Veteran filmmaker and actor, Chris Iheuwa, speaks to VICTORIA EDEME about his fatherhood journey
When you reflect on your experiences as a dad, what would you say fatherhood is?
A father is the political, religious, societal, and financial head of a unit, which could be a family bound by blood or the same surname. Politically, President Bola Tinubu is a father because he’s the country’s leader. Religiously, it could be the Father in a Catholic Church or the Pope, the head of Catholic Christians worldwide. From a social perspective, we have many individuals who see others as their fathers. For instance, Gani Fawehinmi was seen as the father of many people from a societal viewpoint. Financially, we have the likes of Aliko Dangote and Tony Elumelu, financiers and industrialists with many people under their wings. Biologically, a father is someone who has children with a wife or wives. Fatherhood is an umbrella term that encompasses different spheres of leadership.
How many children do you have and what do you love most about being a father?
I have five children: three boys, including a set of twins, and two girls. My eldest is 19, and the youngest, the twin boys, are 12. Between them are two girls, who are 17 and 15 years old. What I love most about being a father is how they welcome me when I return home, especially when they were younger. It’s a great feeling. Another thing I love is going to my children’s school and seeing them receive awards in academics, sports, etc. There’s a sense of pride when your kids receive awards and get matriculated into school.
Is there a difference between how you were raised and how you are raising your children now?
The way I was raised is very different from the way my kids are being raised now. I grew up with my mum and siblings, and incidentally, my mum was a single parent. She was our father, mother, and everything. The way she raised me is very different from how I’m raising my kids now. I still have the fear she instilled in me while growing up. Some traits she instilled in me are still embedded in my system, even at my age now. I have a very limited friendship circle because of my mum’s training. I hardly make friends and always stay on my own.
Another thing is that I hate to borrow. I hate borrowing because it diminishes a person. This is attributed to how my mum raised me. I’m trying to raise my kids now with all the important good character, but things are very different.
Firstly, I consider that while raising a child in Nigeria, you can smack them, raise your voice, or pull their ears. Now that we live in Europe, it’s very different. I thank God my kids were formed back home before they arrived in Europe, so they have traits that have been embedded in them. My wife and I play ‘good cop, bad cop’ with them. She’s on the soft side, and I’m on the hard side because if we leave these children, they’ll go rotten. There’s no doubt about that. It could come from peer pressure or greed. When children grow, they form opinions from things they see, hear, or experience. So it depends on the parents to mould them like an artist.
How did you determine it was the right time to start a family when you did?
I got married at 34. For some, it might be considered old, young, or appropriate. For me, it was divinely timed. You don’t get married when you’re not ready because there’s no finance without romance. When I married at 34, I had my first child at 35. Once you can afford to get married, there’s no time to waste. If you say you’re a career man or woman and don’t want children at the moment, it might affect you because as you get older, the child is also growing older, and there may not be much time to bond with your children. Over nine years of marriage, we’ve had all our kids and ‘closed shop,’ as it were.
Can you share the love story that culminated in the marriage with your wife?
I used to work for a South African firm years ago, and our salaries were paid into a second-generation bank in Nigeria. At that time, she happened to be a teller at the bank. I went to make some withdrawals, and she attended to me. I looked at her and thought she would make a great mother to my children. She had a gap tooth and was always cheerful, and I liked how she styled her hair then. She combed her natural hair and brushed it behind her ears, almost covering one side of her eyes. I approached her and told her that I was doing research and would love to have her number so I could share some questionnaires with her. This was shortly after MTN launched in Nigeria, so telephones were expensive. At that time, I was also working on Fuji House of Commotion alongside John Njamah, Jude Orhoha, and my late boss, Amaka Igwe. I was the assistant director then. After tricking her into giving me her phone number, I chatted with her every night after finishing Fuji House of Commotion.
I also discovered that her house was close to her branch office where we camped for Fuji House of Commotion. Sometimes, when we were on break, I took John Njamah or Jude Orhoha to her house. I even took Ngozi Nwosu at some point. It was just about me shooting my shot properly and ensuring I left no stone unturned. Gloria Young and Ngozi Nwosu played a major role in getting my wife to say ‘yes’ to me. Nwosu pushed me to get a ring early enough, which my wife initially rejected. So that was how it all began. Twenty years now, we have five kids and are very happy with ourselves.
How did you feel when your wife told you she was pregnant with your first child?
We got married in November, and two months later, my wife said she wasn’t feeling well. I remember taking her to the hospital to see the doctor. She took some medication but didn’t say anything more. When we got home, she told me she was pregnant. It felt like heaven on earth. I was so happy. It was electrifying, interesting, and fun. When we went for a scan, it revealed that it was a boy.
Can you remember how exactly you felt holding your first child in your hands?
I was there when my wife gave birth to our son. He didn’t cry for a few seconds or minutes after he arrived. They massaged him, and he eventually cried. They cleaned and covered him with a blanket, and took him to his mum to see and hold him for the first time. It was wonderful holding my son for the first time. He cried, and I sang to him. Immediately after that, I had to get some things for my wife, so I drove from the hospital. On my way, I bumped into Saheed Balogun, and he followed me to see my wife. He was the first non-family member to see my son when he was born, aside from the hospital staff.
Some people are particular about the gender of their first child. What was the situation for you?
Funnily enough, I wanted a female child first because girls have a way of managing the house. Once they grow up, they just fit into that role. It’s a natural phenomenon. Having grown up with a single mother, the idea of men being industrious always came to mind, so I wanted a female child first. But my son came, and I’m grateful to God. A child is a child, be it a boy or a girl.
Has becoming a father changed anything about you?
Yes, a great deal. I used to have road rage and be hot-tempered. There were some risks I took as a single person that was reduced by 50 per cent after getting married. This was further reduced by 75 per cent after becoming a father. You can’t eliminate the element of risk-taking in life, especially being a man in Nigeria. I remember travelling by road from Lagos to Taraba, Birnin Kebbi, Adamawa, and Zamfara while working with a marketing agency. Now, it’s not the same. If there were a flight from Lagos to Ibadan or Ilorin, I would take the flight.
What impact has fatherhood had on your career
Fatherhood has had a significant impact on my life, including my acting career. When I go to work, I think about my family and children. Sometimes work finishes late, and I may be asked to stay overnight. However, I remember I had a wife and kids waiting for me at home because I promised them I would return. Therefore, when I’m working, I insist that producers inform me of late-night shoots so I can plan accordingly and estimate when I’ll finish, as anything can happen during production. The best approach is to make arrangements in advance. If I anticipate I may not return home at a specific time, I inform my family before leaving for the set so they can prepare. For example, around 10:30 pm, my kids check with me to see if I’ll be coming home. I let them know so they could be ready to open the door for me. Fatherhood has influenced my acting career in terms of my schedule when I finish work, what time I get home, and my interactions with others, especially women. It requires discipline and responsibility as a husband and father.
Were there any habits you had to drop after having kids?
I had to quit smoking after becoming a father. I also had to let go of some friends I had.
How do you handle conflict among children so it doesn’t seem like you have a favourite among them?
I have no favourite among them, but they have older siblings among themselves. The younger ones must, as a matter of principle, respect their older siblings. There are no two ways about it, and I ensure it is sacrosanct in my home. When the older or younger ones misbehave, I reprimand them. I expect my older children to instil positive values in the younger ones and maintain the hierarchy at home. When I’m not home, my son knows he is in charge of certain things, even if his mother is home. In my absence, he ensures the windows are closed, doors locked, gates shut, and everything is secure. He also makes sure the lights are off, the younger ones aren’t using their phones after 9 pm, and everyone is in bed. If I’m away, he calls to check if I’ll be returning that day or not. My response guides his next actions. Thus, there’s a clear hierarchy, and I don’t have a favourite child. They are all God’s children with unique blessings, idiosyncrasies, and behavioural patterns, which I respect. My twin boys don’t resemble each other. They are very fraternal, differing in height, weight, and complexion.
Is it healthy for parents to have favourite children?
Honestly, I do not think it is proper for parents to have favourites among their children because it can spoil many things. There have always been examples where such favouritism caused problems. Take the story of Jacob and Esau in the Bible, where the mother preferred Jacob and the father preferred the other. There’s no justification for that. If you bring children into the world, you should treat them equally and not show favouritism. It is illogical because it sets the stage for future disasters. The child who feels less loved may resent the favoured one and even seize any opportunity to harm them. We have instances of siblings harming each other, which could stem from issues of favouritism. Parents should love their children equally because they are all their own. Why favour one over the others? It only invites trouble and could sow seeds for future conflicts you might not anticipate.
How do you make time for bonding with your kids?
Some weekends when I’m around, we play basketball, and football, and go on outings. Due to the number of kids, we can’t fit in a regular car. I own a three-seater car where everyone can sit comfortably. We have fun, go to the park, and sometimes watch movies together, engaging in other fun activities whenever we can. It’s about finding a balance where everyone can enjoy themselves.